Handy responses to commonly heard phrases

Warning: contains GIFs.

Do you have a chronic illness? Have you heard the same tired comments 50 times already this year? (No, I’m not contagious, Jan.) Instead of having to think up answers to the same old questions time and time again, I’ve provided a handy guide for those phrases that crop up time and time again.

“But you look so well!”

Thanks, I like to keep it fresh by bathing in donkey milk* under moonlight.

 

“I wish I could sit at home all day like you, instead of going to work!”

Have you seen Freaky Friday? Let’s make it happen.

It would be much like the movie, except I steal your life and run away forever.

 

“But you don’t look sick!”

And you don’t look like a jackass. Guess we were both wrong!

 

“You’re such an angry, bitter cripple/bitch/insert-perjorative-here.”

Why, thank you. I do try.

 

“There isn’t any such thing as chronic illness, only people who want attention from their doctors.”

What can I say? The sterile waiting room with Neil Mitchell blaring, the disdainful receptionists, the blood tests, being told there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s all in my head – it all adds up to a certain je ne sais quoi.

 

“You know the pharmaceutical companies conspire to keep you sick, so they can profit from you?” (Bonus points if they mention cannabis oil.)

IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT ANDREW WAKEFIELD HAD ONE OF THE BEST CONSPIRACY THEORIES OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME!

This is an acceptable alternate response.

 

Postie: “you answer the door very quickly!”

Yeh, my life is just like Rear Window.

(NOTE: don’t use this one if you like your postie. Ours gave a nervous laugh, never spoke to me again, then changed his route.)

And I didn’t mean like Grace Kelly’s costumes.

 

 

*This is actually a thing. See: Asian beauty communities.